Thursday, February 26, 2009

Just For Kicks

I am Ironman

I am Batman

I am Simpsons

I have just came back from a much needed break in KL. It feels good not to touch the computer at all for a few days. Too much computer a day sucks the life out of everyone. So see you soon when something interesting comes up or some more State Parliamentarians dies. Seriously, how many by-elections are we having? This has never happen before.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Do Not Fuck And Nothing Will Happen

Do not fuck and nothing will happen. Fuck and be prepared to risk the consequences. 'Fuck' like 'Jesus' was not meant to be a swear word. According to oxford 'fuck' means to have sex with somebody. It was neither a swear word nor a bad word until western people start using it whenever they get angry, which is a shame to their civilization.

The Star Reports a comment entitled
sex, privacy and newspapers which was obviously talking about Wong the PKR assemblywoman who had her nudes exposed. An excerpt says:

"Let’s admit and acknowledge that for a wide section of the public — the vast majority of us normal human beings — there are boyfriends and girlfriends and intimate moments of great privacy.

If a partner violates that privacy for any reason, the other party is not to blame — the blame lies with the person who broke that trust, not the person who gave it.

If that is what we believe as a society, then Wong’s offer to resign should be rejected. If we believe that and still accept her resignation, then we are hypocrites for we are holding her responsible for merely, like the rest of us, being human."

Please allow me to repeat myself. Do not fuck and nothing will happen. Fuck and be prepared to be Chua Soi Lek. A man was visiting a nightclub in New Delhi India once and he saw this written on the lounge.

"Beauty is to see not to touch,
If to touch not too crush,
If to crush not too hard."

Another teenage boy was visiting my blog and he saw this written on his screen instead.

"Women is to love not to fuck,
if to fuck not too hard,
if too hard not to photograph."

I don't see to it that it is Wong's fault in this matter. And I don't think she should resign. I am deeply sorry for her. But the reality of life isn't. As a matter of fact, the real world has never shed sympathy for things such as these. . . . . at all.

Which lead us to the conclusion that ladies should learn how to take care of themselves at all time. Don't trust the boys, never trust the boys. Man is just another word for werewolves. And I am a proud member of them, Ah Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Nudity was acceptable to the 19th-century French Salon-going public, only as long as the setting was clearly "classical", depicting characters in a culture where nudity was commonplace, as in this painting by Jean-Léon Gérôme (1847).
Source from Wikipedia

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


A little leisure, a little news, a little humour, a little thoughts. A little bit about everything, that's what I am. I know I have been doing a lot of 'thoughtful' postings lately so I'm taking this to be an easy one. Where should I start, okay let's start from the most stupid things. A few days ago, a guy came to buy DVDs from me in the store and I think some of you might know who he is.

Here you go, Nicholas Teo Zhang Dong Liang. And this is not just a receipt from a guy with the same name. It's the real person. If you insist on being sceptical, you can assume this is just a guy with the same name and signature who happens to also spend Rm319.50 on Disney Cartoons. But of course, I can't give you harder proof like a photo because I was pretending I didn't know him at all. He speaks hokkien to me by the way. I always hear that he is kinda snobbish and doesn't appreciate his Kuching fans much. Unlike me, I am always kind to my world wide fans which is scattering across the milky way. Be sure to catch me in the Teen's Choice Award next month in Jupiter.

I have been to Imperial Duck (Kuching) quite a few times since its opening and I got to say they sell very good ducks at the most reasonable price. It is not arguably the best duck in town, it is the best duck in town.

Duck Noodle

Pork Noodle

Xiao Loong Pau which is rare in Kuching

Is the rise of Starbucks, classy coffee, pubs and fine dining area robbing the business of Kopitiams in Kuching or is it so that they suddenly decide to rebrand and improve themselves. Because this is what I found in a coffee shop 3 minutes away from my house in Tabuan Jaya.

Free Wifi, gone are the days where you have to pay Rm11 for a cup of shit in order to surf the net with your laptop. We may not have air conditioner or sofa, but our cheapest drink costs you only Rm0.20. It's called Pipe water.

China is good at everything except for English. They are so smart they can come up with nice CD and packaging with all the wrong English names. Here is where they call famous 'BEYOND' to "BEYONG". Instantly turning something that is Chinese to sound very Korean. If you think that's too much, take a look instead at this . . .

Jacky CHUENG is one of my favourite singer

Last and least I saw this sign when visiting the Gents in a shopping complex.

My only question is, if I were to take the blue marker drawings away, what does the freaking sign originally mean?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentines Greetings

This is an automatic generated Valentines Greetings. Comments are disallowed as it is meaningless.

Here we are once again in a time where roses are sold for Rm15 per batang. We the couples of the world choose this day to celebrate our love. This will be the day where a lot of people will lose their virginity. Because men are such predators and women has no balls to resist. It is neither the fault of any party but if you insist to blame it on someone I will suggest you blame the government. Some lives are certain to be ruined today in a higher percentile because they will get pregnant involuntarily and their daughter will be 18 before they turn 35.

Once again Happy Valentines. Remember Abstinence, Be faithful, Condoms.

Sincerely from the author of your friendly neighbourhood blog Spiderman Andrew Ho.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip

If I were given a choice to be whatever I want, I will surely choose to be a comedian. Even better if I were to have my own show. Something like 'The Late Show with David Letterman', 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart or perhaps "The Andrew Ho Show". That however is not a dream that is common in Malaysia. Because in here, everybody dreams pretty superficially, we either dream to be a movie star, to be very rich by doing nothing or to be a corrupted politician who defected to Barisan Nasional.

A sense of humour is one of the greatest gift I could have ever prayed for. It is almost as awesome as my unprecedented charm and good looks. Now if you are offended by what I've just said as in "you feel that I'm cocky, proud or plain stupid by bragging about my ugly face claiming it as stunning great luring tempting irresistible charm", then you don't have the gift of "a sense of humour". Because in humour, we throw our senses away, we become nonsense. If you let emotions and rational take over, it won't be funny anymore.

Some people think when they are reading Andrew Ho, they will know Andrew Ho. That is a lot of crap. You don't learn nothing about me from what I write. Shakespeare wrote a hundred over sonnets describing the beauty of boys, boyhood and whatever hood there is left nay he isn't gay at all. He had a wife, who separated with him eventually for reasons unknown, but well, he didn't have sex with a boy, I'm sure he is as clean as Anwar and Michael Jackson.

When I write, I am in character. There is a writing style I practice and picked up after an overdose of talk shows. I call it "the colloquial". It's very informal, it's very conversational. When I write, I don't want to lose style and quality at the same time I don't want to relate to people who can think very sophisticatedly only, or people who has 3 PHD (Pretty Huge Dick) and are very smart academician who thinks very highly of their intellect and their oversized brain. No, I want to talk to everyone. Like the backstreet boys, I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you do as long as you love me. And when I am in character I can be nuts. But what I write does not reflect me in real life, you don't get me in real life here. This is a free blog. You come here cheap cheap, you go away cheap cheap, cheap cheap for you, cheap cheap for me. I know some of you don't understand what it means when someone says he is in character. It simply means you're pretending to be someone which is not totally you. A part of you, but not all. Not even half. Like actors playing an act.

See, it's not easy to joke when you are really you. It's like let's say I am not Andrew, but I am this guy call James Bond, the first thing I'll do is go out and have sex with all the virgins in this land. And whoever isn't please with it, I will kill him. But I can't do that now because I am not James Bond. I don't have the license to kill. So if you want to joke, you have to be brave, brave enough to set aside your identity and embrace a character, the sense of humour in you. It's not easy, it's something you have to learn and developed. Personalities are shaped not born. But everything will be a lot more fun with a little laughter. Let alone work, studies or real shitty situations.

I live everyday through jokes, if I don't make fun about something a day, I will die immediately. I make racist jokes, I make sexist jokes, I make all kinds of jokes. And I can tell you that the best jokes are always offensive. When you are careful enough to pick your audience, you won't have to worry about getting beat up. You can be an Indian friend, walk in the room and I would just stare at you and say "whyyy youuuu wantttt tooooo becomeeee Indiannnn, youuu wantttt toooo eattttt rotiii prataaaa foreverrrrr isssss ittttttt?" Then you the Indian friend shall look back at me and say "the same reason you have a short dick, no choice".

And that ladies and germs, is a good joke!

I call this the gallery of my unprecedented good looks and the whole world disrespectfully disagree

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Don't Wait For A Miracle, Perform One Now

The closest approached I had with Cancer Children was during Christmas when I visited them in charity under a church ticket. And the hardest thing I found was how to react to them. We are not allowed to bring a sad face into the ward and you pretty much walk into the room trying very hard to be hopeful in front of the children. I just want to take the chance to share with everyone who is reading this, the hard fact of life is that, while we are sleeping in tight tonight, right at that very moment many others are suffering in their bed. In this case children. So while we can afford to, let us give them a little support.

I donated a shameful amount of Rm12.50. I felt so bad I chose to be an anonymous donor. I wished I could have donated more but I was having some credit card issues with paypal. I will definitely donate again in cash during the coming donation campaign. We can't save the world, but we can always make it a better place.

Don't make me tell you the 'starfish' story again and again. You have a few ringgit to spare? Donate now.

The post has ended, this is just extras:

While walking along a beach, an elderly gentleman saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, picking up starfish one by one and tossing each one gently back into the water.

He came closer still and called out, "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

The old man smiled, and said, "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?"

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the elderly observer commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely. Then he bent down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the back into the ocean past the breaking waves and said, "It made a difference for that one."

Who Dude is not good

Rihanna is having a concert in Malaysia, and as expected, whenever a star from Hollywood is coming here to perform, the PAS youth will start a protest over it and try to ban it. Whether it is Gwen Stefani, Rihanna or Avril. It happens as always the same and for the same reason "they are wearing too little clothes, too sexy".

And every time they do it, they will end up failing. Never once did I heard that a small party like PAS is successful in banning a concert like this, one that involves multi-million ringgit. I feel strongly that what they are doing is stupid and futile altogether. I am not insulting any one's religion, and if their religion forbid them to see sexy singers they can always abstain from supporting her. But banning it? That is really a lousy way to deal with matters. Is this what our society has turned into? If we don't like something, we ban it, if we don't like someone, we kill him or her like what terrorist does?

If I were to be a PAS member, I would suggest that you run an awareness campaign instead of a futile protest. Spread the awareness to your fellow Muslim that they shouldn't give support to Rihanna's concert because she wears sexily.

Hudud law is another one. I know PAS uphold their religion highly, but in upholding your supreme order, you should not be ignorant. Does any of you has any knowledge of what hudud law is? This is hudud law, if you steal something, I will chop your hands. If you rape a woman, I will cut your penis off. And I came by wondering, what if I am being rape by a woman? Cut which part now?

This is Malaysia. There is no room for such in our constitution. We already have our syariah court in order and doing their job. What more do you want? Would you like to run this country like Iraq? Whereby woman must be masked and treated only a little bit higher than animals?

Political parties are nothing without the people's support. Your job is not to run your own ideas and enforce your own laws. Your lifespan is 5 years, and when the due comes, we the citizens decides whether you shall be granted another 5. Even if you are successful in luring some defections with the cash you stole from the citizen, you can't live longer than that if we won't let you.

Ask me which party I support? I will tell you I support PKR. Ask me the reason why? I will tell a quote that has been so over quoted it has become anonymous.

"Politicians are like diapers, they both need changing regularly, and for the same reason" .

If Barisan Nasional cannot win the Kuala Terrenganu by election even when they make a big issue over the hudud law, they should be very worried about their position. It seems to me that the only way out for them to win the next general election is to fraud or create even more defections. But rest be assured I will be one among the many who will be voting them out.

P/S: I do not hate PAS, I just happen to be annoyed by their way of doing things. I do not hate Malays either, they can hate me but I don't hate them. How do you think I know what is hudud law, you might learn it through wikipedia, I learnt mine through Malay friend. I thank God in Kuching, Malay and Chinese are friends. We don't have a unity problem, we gave Barisan Nasional 30 over seats in the parliament. Are you the understanding of what I am talking?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

This blog is politically NEUTERED

Super Update: Because BN has taken Perak and I feel even more disgusted, especially after I read that other PKR members were approached before to do the same thing and the pay was RM5 MILLION. I have added another paragraph to curse the assemblyperson and bold it.

Super Short Talk: This is a bonus post, it came out freshly baked and sent over from Perak.

When Anwar claims: I have enough numbers of defectors from Barisan Nasional to form the new government! The time for change is HERE!

Barisan Nasional replies: Oh my father, mother, brother, sister, grandfather, grandmother, grandmother's sister's father in law's baby brother's baby sitter's aunty's second son! We are the people's chosen representatives, we are chosen by the rakyat for the rakyat. How can we be leap frogs and jump ship?! That is an abomination! It is wrong!

And today the Star reports:

Bota (somewhere in Perak) assemblyman Datuk Nasaruddin Hashim, who had quit Umno to join PKR less than two weeks ago, has returned to the dominant Barisan component party.

PKR’s Behrang assemblyman Jamaluddin Mohd Radzi and Changkat Jering assemblyman Mohd Osman Mohd Jailu have also quit their parties, as did DAP’s Jelapang assemblyman and Perak state assembly deputy speaker Hee Yit Foong.

All three said they would remain Barisan-friendly Independents for now.

All four (including that piece of shit that quited Umno to join PKR and then quited PKR and joined back Umno) assemblymen appeared at the press conference with Najib.

Barisan and Pakatan now have 28 seats each in the 59-seat assembly.

Barisan claimed it is ready to take over the Perak State Govt.

Referring to that Malaysiakini reports:

No money involved, says Najib

Deputy Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak today denied having offered the four former Perak Pakatan Rakyat state assemblypersons cash for their defection from their respective parties.

The Star continues to report:

The two (Jamaluddin and Mohd Osman, PKR representatives who quited PKR to be Barisan Friendly Independents) were charged in a Sessions Court on Aug 25 last year with allegedly receiving bribes over the application for a RM180mil housing project in Sri Iskandar in Perak Tengah. Their case comes up for hearing on Feb 10.

Don't you smell something fishy here?

The 3 representatives who quited PKR, two of them are facing a corruption charge which is going to be heard soon and the other one, well it's a woman. They all quited PKR to be 'Barisan Friendly Independent". Short Form BFI. These Barisan's Fooking Idiots independents came together to join Najib's press conference in which Najib announced it is taking over Perak. What do you BFIs who quited your party has to do with BN holding a press conference like that? Were you congratulating them? Or were you rejoicing with them? You are Independents, you should be the candidates who hates both side. Whether PKR or BN.

You know like Robbie William in the movie "Man Of The Year", "it's not about democrats or republicans, it's about everyone else".

Wow, I think Perak's assemblymen really thinks that we Malaysian are stupid and they can screw us anyhow they like.

I am impressed, good job Barisan. You have done what I will exactly do if I were in power. I especially like your stand on jumping ship, your disgust in MPs who quit and betray their parties to give support to the other ones. I agree with you that all those that jump ship and forfeit the trust and support of the voters when they made you their representative should be cursed and so shall their offspring until the third and fourth generation.

I think these people should die a terrible death, preferably one like getting strike by the lightning in a perfect sunny day, or die choking by drinking plain water. Heck I think they should die because they choked on the air they are breathing. I think their children and their children's children should also suffer the same fate. I was so happy when a protest banner was hung on the DAP Hee assemblywoman's service centre saying she is a traitor. My father said it right when he said this kind of people will only bring shame to their families. And don't tell me they are doing it because of justice, fuck your whole family, najib already gotten ready and well informed about you all quiting and flew in there to change the govt immediately, don't tell me it wasn't pre-planned and you were not bought over by BN in millions. I curse that you may die and that the people of Perak whom you betrayed may cut your flesh into pieces, eat them to satisfy their hunger for justice and drink your blood dry to satisfy their thirst for rightfulness. Let the remaining of your bones be crushed and scattered in Palestine so that Israel can bomb it again and again until it turns into fine air. And whichever land which contain these air contaminated by your spirit should be vacuumed and demolished completely, either Gaza or Israel, pick your side. So shall this be to you and and your children and your children's children.

Keep doing that and I might just vote for you next time. With a powerful charismatic charming figure like me on your side, you'll be winning any election until the second coming of Christ.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

The First Month Of The Year Is Gone

Super Short Talk: "Useful and inspiring. This is what the Deputy Prime Minister thinks of some of the comments posted on his blog about the second stimulus package". If I were there, I'd surely ask him "how about the rest of the comments, did anyone fuck you?"

I read in the Star yesterday, there was a big headline that said "Only Coward Depends On Quota System". My first thought to it was "Oh so someone finally spoke up about the quota system that is doing unjust to the other races in the country". Then I clicked it, only to find that it was something said by a member of the Umno Supreme Council about the party's election regulation. How humorous, even they themselves know only coward depends on quota system.

If you have been through proper English courses, for example the GCE O Level, you'll always be required to do a lengthy comprehension during exam. And a regular question you can always find is one like this "what does the word 'they' in the paragraph above refers to?"

If I were to apply the same question to my first paragraph above, I think I will be getting all sorts of answers. Some smart ones among you will probably say "you are referring to the Malay people", while the rest will mostly resort to "you are referring to animals". Hahaha, but unfortunately both answers are wrong. The correct answer will be "the word 'they' above refers to cowards". So if you're wondering why you didn't get 'A' for your English, that's probably because you didn't read my blog much enough.

Chinese New Year has finally come to an unofficial end, so that means life is going to start rolling again. It's kind of a put down sometimes because when I gaze into the future, the next few months, the calendar down this year, I am not really sure whether it is a pile of gold I'm rolling into or if it's just a really big piece of shit. And that gentlemen is another reason why I need Jesus.

I woke up early at dawn the other day and saw my dog getting caught in between like this,

It was scared by the thunders from the morning rain, I guessed it must have heard it 10 times louder than I did. Imagine what happened during the CNY eve. I stupidly told tell her that it's just the thunder and she wont get hurt but still she were looking at me with a dumb face trying to lick my toes all over. You see, we are like dogs sometimes, I know it's bad analogy, but sometimes we hear these 'thunders' roaring loudly in the midst of our lives, and it intimidate us so much. We struggled hard enough only to get stuck and entangled, many times we do that but without once realize that the thunder cannot kill or hurt us. It's just, well....... very loud noise.

And this is my passed-CNY post. Here I am in the night, took a good bath, put on my pjs....

non-photoshoped, what you see is what you get

.....and this is it, that's all you get this time. I'm hanging up now. See ya.

lights off