Thursday, January 29, 2009

Chinese New Year Break

I am not finished with my Chinese New Year celebration yet, so please be entertained by these at the meanwhile.

I tried to capture some fireworks display during CNY, but since I was using my "soh kua" handphone camera, they all turned into a UFO display instead.

I call this "The Sun In The Night"

Having taken all these pictures myself, I am never going to believe all those aliens crap anymore. Yeah, you saw an UFO in Russia, big deal, I saw 10 red UFOs in front of my house.

They are call fireworks.

can you count how many slashes of sparks are there in this picture?

And I love it.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Gong Xi Fa Chai

Super Short Talk: My blog address is where else Najib's blog is My doctor was right when he said only self-obsessed and power crazy people who likes to live in self denial starts their URL with the number 1.

I know it is unprofessional to talk about our job in our blog. But when you are in a not so professional job like mine, I guess it's really fine to expose it. Today I woke up at 10.30 in the morning. I quickly change to my uniform and head to work at 10.45, I did not bath but I brushed my teeth. I do not bath in any morning and I have no freaking idea why people do that. The temperature is right whenever I wake up in the morning, I feel cozy in bed, why would anyone want to splash water on themselves in that hour of the day. Some say they do that because they want to "feel fresh". Why would you want to feel fresh in the morning? I went to sleep feeling sleepy, I wake up feeling sleepy. That's the way of life. You continue from where you left off, right?

I know retail shop opens at 10 am sharp in the morning. But we usually open late by an hour because we have our own standard that we are unwilling to compromise. Some people use the word 'lazy' to describe that attitude. But you see, we are Malaysians, when we are on time, something is wrong and Air Asia would be out of business. Let me help you a little here, instead of seeing me as a lazy person who comes late to work everyday, why don't you see it as an opportunity for you to learn how to be patience patient, right?

My uniform to work is fantastic, on a good day we can go with....


And shirt not tucked in

Half way down work, I had no idea how many times I watched Zohan already (we have to put on shows all the time in the shop to lure customers) So I just felt impressed to make my hair look like him. You know, the Scrappy Coco look. With the help of a hair blower, it took me half an hour to make it happen.

Because of my humble nature, please be informed that I had made my picture look a little fatter than what I really am in real life

I always think it is good to post a picture of myself in my blog from time to time. Just to give people an idea that I am still alive. You know, a lot like the North Korean Prime Minister that suffered a stroke last month and had possibly died but is still releasing undated photos of himself to tell people that he is alive and expect the whole world to believe in it. I guessed he has never heard of a 'video clip' before in North Korea. That would be a more convincing way to prove you're alive Mr BiBimBap. And these are the same bunch of people that want to invent nuclear bombs. I've said this before and I want to say it again "There are way more crazy people on earth than me, some in Iraq, some in Iran, some in North Korea and the rest in the Malaysian Cabinet".

Oh by the way, Happy Chinese New Year! The lunar calendar says the New Year has just begun. The zodiac however would like to add that it is also the year of the Cow. So don't eat steak tonight. Beyond that I want to wish you all, whoever you are, a Happy Chinese New Year. Hopefully this coming year will be another fruitful, healthy, fun and prosperous year for you. I'm gonna wrap this up but I can't do it without having said this:

Oi, whoever you are, if you still have Edison Chen's picture, quick quick release it can? It has been one year already since you last posted, and all your pictures are from video clips one some more. Come on lah, it's the 1st year anniversary, don't be kiam chi po.

P/S: I want with sound one

Don't mess with the Zohan

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

What The Duck?

In my humble opinion, I think the hardest part about blogging is to come up with new ideas every now and then. It's one thing if you are one of those that writes a post like "Aiyak, I donno what to write today, feel very sien wor, so Happy Chinese New Year loh, bye bye!". And then call it a day. Don't get me wrong, it is not a crime to do that, like they always say it is your blog and you can write anything on it. But then just as there is nothing wrong with it, there is also nothing interesting.

If I could, I would like to update my blog everyday so that everyone can enjoy it. But of course I can't. For two simple reasons, firstly I am running a blog not a publishing company. Secondly I enjoy writing so much, I won't want to publish anything that would possibly make anyone feel they have wasted a minute in their life reading it. And it is difficult enough to write good things all the time.

When David Letterman were interviewed by Charlie Rose. He asked him, "do you think you can put up a good show every time?" Letterman answered "absolutely not, sometimes I can do a really good show 3 out of 5 times a week, sometimes 2 out of 5, 1 out of 5, sometimes not even once. And it kinda disappoint me when I see the audience, coming to me, some had even reserved their ticket months before, fly in from other places and just didn't get what they had expected."

Some people doesn't understand inspirations. They have an idea that inspirations is like a mojo thing that comes from nowhere. When it comes it comes, when it goes it goes. No, I do not think that's what it is. In order to 'get' inspirations, one has to be sensitive, creative, thoughtful, anaylitical, interested and most importantly the ability to comprehend very abstract ideas. Inspirations doesn't come knocking at your door by chance, you have to search for it.

I just watched Evan Almighty 2 days ago, one of my staff benefits is to borrow movies home to watch so it's kinda cool. And I would like to recommend it to everyone. Steve Carell is definitely one of my favourite actor. The comedy talks about what happened when God appear to Evan Baxter a US congressman (Steve Carell) with a perplexing request to build an ARK. I always find it hard to imagine how Noah built an ark. This show kinda help a lot. I'm sure you can download the show via torrent file in the internet or alternately, you can buy it from any Speedy outlet at a reasonable, relevant, shit Rm59.90. Remember be original, buy original. It's a company policy.

Welcome to the Golden Cow Year

Chinese New Year is coming in a few days, I wonder if it's just me or everyone else, this Chinese New Year seems to be more quiet than the other years. Maybe all that talk about bad economy does give a little mental effect to shoppers around. I didn't buy much either. I'm not so worried about new clothes during Chinese New Year, when you have money, you can buy clothes anytime you want, there's no need to do it only in CNY. The only problem is that I don't have money =_="

I bought a checks shirt by the way, my PR manager says everyone is crazy about checks shirt and curly hair this season. So I permed my hair and got a checks shirt. Trust me, this whole fashionable thing, it's really not important. 90% of the people who likes me never bother about what I wear, they just admire my good looks. And the remaining 10% of those that hates me, they are just jealous about my good looks.

Oh my god, I can't believe you are still reading this junk I wrote up till here. Really hey you, I'm talking to you there, how long are you going to read on? I wrote this piece of crap in 4 different time, I don't even know what I am talking about and there is no continuity in it. Are you addicted to me or something? You are not going to let it go aren't you, if I keep on writing you will keep on reading until the end? Don't do that, close the browser right now, I'm just messing with you. You don't enjoy reading me, you know that? Get that in your head. Close it........ close it........

Why? Why wont you listen to me? Is it because of my.....

Did you figure my unfinished sentence out?

I told you, inspiration is not a mojo thing.

Friday, January 16, 2009

If There's Anything You Want To Spread, Let It Be Love

Kenny Sia introduced a BBC News Report last week in his short talk. So I read it up and felt very inspired to poke talk about it.

An Excerpt from BBC

Luqman is the elected head of the student body. Last year he led a street protest after a state official remarked that perhaps one in 10 university places should be opened to minorities.

Education is a live issue, not only for Indians but also for the entrepreneurial Chinese. They make up a quarter of the population and hold much of the nation's wealth, which allows many to study privately.

But in Malaysia's growing blogsphere, there's an increasingly vocal sense of exclusion, mixed with frustration at severe security laws that allow detention without trial.

Luqman, a proud Malay, has no sympathy for this new activism. He points out that even after decades of affirmative action policies the ethnic Malays remain relatively impoverished.

But it isn't just about wealth. "This is our land basically. And we have already given one special privilege to the non-Malays, that is citizenship," he says.

The Chinese race is believed to be the 4th smartest among all. With the Jews being number 1. We came from a culture so deep rooted history believed we are one of the first few civilisations. We had walked this earth as much or more than anyone else. And like the Greeks ( Spartans!) , we are very proud of our logic. It sadden me when we came to Malaysia, it has brought so much hurt to the Malay people, that until so many years later, they are still labeling us as thieves who came to steal from them their riches of this land.

I do not blame the Malay people. Although some of them hated my kind, I try to see everyone very much equal. The only party that I blame is the government and their poor policies that hopefully one day will lead to their own destruction. Their logic was comparable to the aristocrat of the olden days, no foresight, selfish and bad result. 50 years of testament had only proven them more inadequate than ever. As days passed on, the only thing people now want is a change.

Wait a minute, I am sounding too serious here. Let me change my tone a little bit.

Okay first of all, The Spartans in the famous "300" is stupid. I know for a fact that it happened in history but I have no idea what is so honorable about them. I mean, they lost and died. All of them. You assemble 300 people and go out to fight with tens of thousand. That is stupidity to begin with. If you would ever suggest such a thing in the Chinese army, I will behead you straight away for sacrificing my soldiers for no reason. And then I will behead your entire household so that our Chinese offspring will never bear an abomination like yours.

In the Chinese history there were exactly 3 wars which resemble much similarity with the 300. Except for one thing, they won. One led by Chao Chao, the other led by Xiang Yu and the last one I forgot. They all fought with thousands of army against army ten fold bigger than theirs. And won with strategies much wiser than "go to the mountains, find a cramped place and fight until we all die."

You see, I have a point here, my point is, we were good at killing. We are good at killing our own people. Our brothers, our sisters. We kill them all in history. But we don't conquer any other country. We only fight among ourselves. And we became so good at one point, throughout generations of wars, more inventions were created, more strategies were written, and all those poor poets that suffer from the outcome wrote more philosophies than we could ever contain. We had a very deep culture, rooted with an identity, subconsciously planted in our head. We know ourselves as the Chinese. We do not belong to the elite group of any country, we belong to the elite group of the world. If there were an Inter-Universe Scrabble competition, or an Inter-Globe films award, definitely the Chinese is participating representing Earth.

So when we come to Malaysia, I am sorry to say that, the only logical thing to do is to monopolize your economy. I know you have said many times that we "hold much of the nation's wealth", and this time I am not going to deny it again, I am going to agree with you. Yeah, we indeed monopolize your economy. And as long as we are here, we will keep doing that. There is nothing you can do about it and it will never change. You happy?

The NEP has been there for a long while, it did not proved itself to be useful, what makes you think it will finally help everyone if I give it another 50 years? It wont, the problem is not with the Chinese or the Indians. The problem is with you, I wouldn't want to stress which 'you' am I referring here. But I see those Chinese people, you work 8 hours a day they work 10, you study 10 hours a day they study 16, you work 6 days a week they work 7. Do you know how hardworking are they? Do you think when we all sit for the same public exam together under one roof in one country at the same time, certain races just happen to score better results generally? We did that by luck or something? No, we worked for it, we sweat, we bleed. We exchange results with hard work. With or without whatsoever special rights

"If I give you the fish, you won't get hungry for a day, if I teach you how to fish, you will never be hungry again". Confucius had a point when he said this overquote phrase. Ask the government, over the years, did they teach the race they wanted to help how to fish? Or did they give them the fish day by day, year by year? You want education? I help you. You want business? I help you. If I were Malay, I would be doing some high end course in Germany now upon scholarship by JPA.

Malaysia is a big pool. There are plenty of fishes inside. When you see other races know how to fish very well, do not get angry and say that they are robbing your fishes away. The pool is here, if you want it, you can fish with us. I am not here to steal your fish. I am here to be your fishing partner.

If only we had practiced full meritocracy 50 years ago, I am pretty sure today, we will have these Malay friends that see us just like them. Not more superior or pure evil. But as a part of a body. There is no such thing as if you are Malay you are lazy, if you are Indian you are smart. It's not about Malay or Indian.

It's about who you think you are. And who you want to be. And how you want this society to think with you.

You want special rights? I say keep it. Keep whatever rights you want. I don't want to fight with you. I don't need to. We've already won. The question is "when are you ready to join us in victory?"

The BBC report continued this about Lokeman Luqman:

Regarding the blogsphere he has a question for Malaysia's new prime minister: "When you're talking about opening the freedom of speech, how far do you want to go?"

As the future new prime minister, I shall reply to you:

"I want to go 5 kilometer far". Amen.


Monday, January 12, 2009

One Break Day

From The Star a few days ago - "Malaysia has given the United Nations Security Council a one-day “deadline” to come up with a resolution on Israel’s aggression against Palestine before it goes “full steam ahead” to call for a special session of the General Assembly. Foreign Minister Datuk Seri Rais Yatim said......"

I immediately received a call from the United Nations soon after and they said to me "Tell your country to go fuck herself. Don't mess with the Zohan!"

You have to watch the movie to understand this joke

By the way, I went to Tun Mahathir's blog the other day to see if he is still alive and I saw this:

It happens that Mahathir is selling Safe Deposit Boxes nowadays. I don't know who manages his blog for him, but whoever it is, you are sure doing a shit job. Mahathir not rich enough meh, need to put advertisement in blogs, cheapskate.

Well at least he got ads, unlike me, the Nuffnang I put on my blog is like putting up a decoration. They don't even give me one advertisement since I started blogging here. What to do? I am not the ex Prime Minister who jailed Anwar. I think the only way to heighten my hits is to maybe put a nude picture of myself. Which I am sure all my friends will say "if you put your lan jiao on your blog, I think you will have to shut it down the next day, people will vomit on their screen".

Today a friend of mine gave me a pizza treat in Merdeka Palace, a hotel in Kuching.

I am not a food blogger, but like all Malaysian I like food very much. As a matter of fact I like food so much I'd give my virginity up for food.

Some fruit juice thing Rm10

We ordered a seafood pizza. It looked like this


Some people say they serve the best pizza in town. And me? I only know that I paid Rm5 for parking less than 2 hours. Grrr.......

I understand that this post has got nothing inspiring, amusing or thought provoking. But I read this from kennysia the other day, quoting from him:

"I made lost so much of a personal touch. So much so that these days, I get the feeling somewhat that I wasn't quite treated as a human being anymore.

Instead, I am like this machine that is supposed to entertain everyday, tell jokes and make people laugh. I was told that I deserve to be judged, I deserve to be ridiculed and I have no right to defend. Also I'm not supposed to write any ads, because machines don't write ads. And if I'm not doing a good job, then I deserve to be scolded and ridiculed"

I feel for him lah, it's very difficult to blog while taking care of readership. It makes what is supposed to be fun becomes pressure. Coming up with postings to entertain people every other day takes a lot of sacrifice, especially on time. If you won't admit that, go ahead and try to write something that might possibly inspire me, I am not being proud when I say that many people wont be able to do that even if I give them a lifetime. Like any scholars and geeks would agree with me, literatures and philosophies are not what you learn, it is what you are. You either get it or you don't get it, there's no need to try.

And readers don't even appreciate it most of the time, they just expect their favorite blogger to do more and more. Sometimes when they feel like it, they'll just throw you a comment saying 'fuck you, fuck your father, fuck your mother, fuck your brother, fuck your sister, fuck your grandmother, fuck your grandfather, fuck all your fucking ancestor, fuck, fuck, fuck'.

So if you think I am terribly boring when I sometimes write about my daily life, what I do today and how many times I masturbate. It's really alright. Just hop to another blog that interest you more. But trust me, there are not very much of them in Malaysia. Weee Haaaa, that's all I got to say now, Chinese New Year is coming, have a nice day.

P/S: Kuching rained so much the past two days the road became this in some places.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Where is Holiness in Me?

Super Short Talk: Some people say I write too many words and post too little pictures while blogging. They feel like they are reading an essay. To show how much I care about their views and the magnitude of my love for them, I decided to write another essay. Like the proverb that says "a picture paints a thousand words". I hope someday people will realize that I am painting a lot of pictures here.

I was brought up in church since 12 years old (voluntarily). From sheer religious holiness and staunch upbringing in Christianity, it took me a long time and a lot of struggle to finally say my first 'fuck' word. It occurred to me that how good you are is never judged base on how many 'fucks' you have said or how many porn you have watched. While many 'holy' so to speak Christians may see my attitude as a shame, I think ("I think", it may not be true) by heart, thoughts or deeds, I am still way "holier" than many of them. And if there were a score chart up for a 'who is holier than thou' challenge, I would win hands down compared to many of them.

Therefore until this day, I am proud to say that I still have my dignity firmly attached to my balls. And no one has ever got the guts to confront me in any matter related to how I should bring myself in life (with a few exceptions). I do not enjoy confrontation, I prefer dealing and solving matters graciously. With discussion, tolerance and at best politeness. But of course, we all know how difficult some people tend to be in life, many times raising our voice is not an option.

In other places, they sell purity rings. It's a ring to wear on the left ring finger as a vow to uphold abstinence. A practice that famous boy band Jonas Brothers uphold. In the Chinese culture, we obviously don't need such thing, because traditionally, all those that make love before marriage will have to be drowned. Today however, things have got a little turned around. There are just too many movies imparting all sorts of habits into the crowd. Which all the time is very misleading. Sex is an element inseparable in screenplay and literature. It is a spice you have to put in to make a story great.

It reminds me of an old joke that goes like this: A professor was teaching his student how to write a good novel. He said "in order to produce a good story, you will need 4 important elements. Firstly religion, for all goodness revolve around it, secondly sex, for it is an element of life, thirdly mystery, for it creates interest and lastly brevity (simplicity) because no one likes a long winded story. So the professor let his student write their own work, and soon enough, one of his student handed in his work. It was written "The Dutches of Winfrey is pregnant, oh God, I wonder who did it!"

If Romeo did not do Juliet, he don't have to die in the story, because there is no point, why kill the character if he isn't horny? You see, Shakespears and I think alike. Movies wasn't made for any of us to learn from, it is only filmed the way it is to heighten box office. But when some of us watch too much of these, we practice the same, and the next thing you know is that your life does not last for 1 hour and 40 minutes in a cinema. Your life last a lot longer than that, so it probably wont be a nice ride if we model from them.

Am I against purity rings? No, I wear that myself. Well not exactly, but it's pretty much the same idea. I don't wear a ring on my left ring finger, but I keep a condom in my wallet. It is a red love Durex super ultra thin expiring March 2012. So anytime you see me face to face, you can just ask me to flash it out so to prove that I haven use it. This is 2008, for god's sake, should I wear a chastity belt instead?

I am not trying to preach anything, every time I log into this blog. I never expect to have any readers. I write purely to reinstate, reorganize, reformat, re-whatever my thoughts, like a diary. It's funny I initially started this post with another idea in mind, I wrote the title as "keep them in your pocket, but don't keep them in your heart". And after written the first paragraph, I realize I was writing something so different altogether.

So where is holiness in me? Or in you?

I was taught that answering a question with another question is a rude. But if I can help it not to, I won't be what I am today (which is not necessary a good thing)

The answer from me is "Does it matter?"

* For Christians, you should know by now that you are saved through Christ and salvation comes to you when you accept Him. It isn't about how many good deeds, excellent behaviour, performance or philanthropy you've done. This is "Being a Christian 101". If you haven know that by now, go circumcise yourself. After that go fuck yourself. And to those who think that sin can rob away your salvation, I don't even bother talking to you. Believe whatever you want.

**And I am not condoning sin. I am against it. Use your common sense. And then go fuck yourself again.

***A good reader reminded me that it's 2009 already as I used 2008 up here. Haha, don't worry, I know the date today, just that when I was writing this, it was 2008.

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Wedding Tag

Super Short Talk: This is a bonus post. I did not schedule it. A little bit like wet dreams. It just came out of nowhere.

How old are you?

Not very old.

In what age do you think you'll get married?

Depends on when her eggs are drying up

Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?

It's going to be either Israel or Palestine.

How many guests do you think you'll invite?

Around 2-5 thousand

Do you want the traditional vows or something you'd make up on your own?

My own.

How will it sound like for your spouse's part?

I take you Andrew Ho The Great and Almighty One to be my husband and I promise before God and all who are present here to be your loving and faithful wife, as long as our lives shall last and even after it. I will serve you with tenderness and respect, and encourage you to develop God’s gifts in you. I will also hereby make a pledge that I will not demand any alimony or compensation if we should break up one day. If I should not fulfill any of what I vowed, may lightning and thunder do me justice. Amen

How about yours to her?

Woman, let's do it. Amen

Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.

The "Batman Forever" tune that is overplayed in every function.

Describe your ideal wife.

I'll take any woman who are willing to say the vow above.

Champagne or red wine?

I am disappointed you asked, Champagne is for celebration, of course it's champagne.

Honeymoon right after wedding or days after wedding?

Right after. Come on man.

Are you ready for married life?

No, I am not ready to die.

A new house for a newly wed or an old one?

If I can afford, a new one would be nice.

Do you think you will stay a virgin until married?

It depends. You know, a cow has six breasts, so we can't really be sure of anything. Does that make sense?

How many kids would you like to have?

I want boys. If first 2 are boys I'll stop at 2. If first 2 are girls, I will try another one. If I get a boy and a girl, I might try it again or just stop there. If all 3 are girls, I will love all three of them and get 2 male dogs.

Whose wedding plans would you like to know next?

I am not going to fall into your trap and tag people.

Friday, January 2, 2009

No Year Resolution

As 2008 slowly fades away welcoming 2009. This first thing that came to my mind was this little poetry.

A poem is a little path

That leads you through the trees.

It takes you to the cliffs and shores,

To anywhere you please.

Follow it and trust your way

With mind and heart as one,

And when the journey's over,

You'll find you've just begun.

Dr Q: So you are 19 going to 20, what do you want to be?

A: I want to be Zac Efron or Jesse Mccartney, wait..... Zac Efron.

Dr Q: Why do you want to be him?

A: The other day I saw him on the magazine with nice abs wearing a Calvin Klein underwear. And I thought to myself "I WANT THAT TOO!"

Dr Q: Don't you have a more substantial reason?

A: No, what is that?

Dr Q: It's okay, so what does 2009 means to you?

A: The year of the cow, DON'T DRINK MILK.

Dr Q: Haha, I see you enjoy bringing your sense of humour around, besides that anything else?

A: The year of the golden cow, DON'T.....

Dr Q: Okay Okay enough, do you have any resolutions this year?

A: Yes I have, lose 15 KG in 6 months.

Dr Q: That is very good, we should have aims in life, what was your resolution last year?

A: Lose 15 KG in 6 months.

Dr Q: . . . . . Did you achieve it?

A: No.

Dr Q: It's okay, why lose weight anyway?

A: Because I am gonna be sooo cute after that.

Dr Q: Okay I can see that. How about the you now, do you feel insecure with your current physical now?

A: No no no, I am very big.

Dr Q: I mean your physical outlooks.

A: Oh, no no no, I am still better looking than 79% of the Malaysian population. Everyone in this country is hideous.

Dr Q: Okay, if that is what you think, 79% is good.

A: No no no, that is good enough for you, but I want more.

Dr Q: I see, that is very ambitious. How about your studies?

A: Ya, what about them?

Dr Q: How about future relationship?

A: My dog wont eat bones these 2 days, I don't know what is wrong with her.

Dr Q: You have to talk to me so that I can help you.

A: I fed her chicken bones, pig bones and fake bones but she didn't take it.

Dr Q: . . . .

A: Anything else?

Dr Q: I think that's enough for today.

* The poetry above is taken
from The 20th Century Children's Poetry Treasury,
Knopf, 1999, copyright by Charles Ghigna